Beyond Caring: The New Rules of Empathetic Leadership
Empathy is not just about caring. If you’ve been following this series, you know the message already: empathy is not optional. It’s a core part of effective leadership. It shows up in the questions we ask, the listening we do, and the attention we give to the people around us. Now, let’s address that opening statement about caring. Because it seems like caring and empathy are really similar. It can be confusing and, in many cases, overwhelming when you cannot separate the two.
Caring matters. It’s just not everything. Some of the best leaders you’ll ever work with are those who don’t only care about you; they pay attention and are invested. Invested leaders also invest in others. They notice patterns. They listen for what’s said and what’s not. They build trust through consistent, thoughtful actions.
That’s empathy in action.
Understanding Without Absorbing
One of the most common misunderstandings about empathy is the idea that leaders have to feel what others feel in order to be empathetic. In fact, I have made this mistake. It is a fine line, for sure. In one of my first articles on empathy, I stated that you should feel what they feel. However, I went further to say that you needed to see what they see and experience what they experience. Brené Brown describes it as ‘feel with’ other people. That may be the better description of this.
Demonstrating empathy as a leader does not mean you have to feel others’ emotions, but better understand what is happening with them, gathering important information for individual and collective decisions, so both can succeed. [^1]
Empathy is not about taking on someone else’s emotions. Instead, it is about walking alongside them to help them through. The sounds more like ‘feel with’ versus ‘feel what they feel.’ When you can hear them, see them, and understand what is going on, you can guide toward better decisions for everyone.
When leaders try to absorb too much of others’ emotions, it creates a different problem. It leads to overload. It clouds decision-making. It turns support into stress. Research calls this empathic distress the emotional burnout that comes when you take on too much of someone else’s pain. This can cause leaders to pull back when they should lean in or avoid a tough situation just to protect themselves from feeling drained.
You don’t need to carry someone’s burden for them. Walk alongside them long enough to help them move forward on their own.
Attunement Over Absorption
Parallel to empathy is the similar, and perhaps better way of stating what is really at play here: attunement. This is the ability to stay in sync with your team, pick up on cues, and respond to what people need without losing your footing in the process.
Authors Lisa Zigarmi and Stella Grizont write in a recent Harvard Business Review article, “When the Best Leadership Skill Is Just Being Present”:
As leadership coaches and psychologists, we’ve found that attunement can be a profound way for leaders to support their employees. But too few are aware of what it is, why and when it can be beneficial, and how to successfully practice it.
They describe attunement as:
Attunement is about being with another person instead of trying to fix them or the situation. Attunement is the art of full-body, non-judgmental presence. It’s when a leader deeply notices, actively listens, and signals to an employee: I see you. I understand you. You are safe here. Leaders who attune don’t try to change emotions; they acknowledge them.
When leaders are attuned, they don’t have to guess what’s going on. They’ve built the kind of presence that helps people feel safe enough to speak honestly. That only happens when someone knows their leader is paying attention and can be trusted with what they share.
Attunement is what separates the leader who listens to respond from the leader who listens to understand.
It’s subtle, but powerful. And it’s often what people mean when they say they feel seen.
Trust = Empathy + Care in Action
Empathy may start with understanding, but it grows through trust. One of the most useful models for trust comes from Brené Brown and her BRAVING acronym: Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Nonjudgment, and Generosity. ^2 She covers this in detail in her book, “Dare to Lead.”
It’s worth revisiting that list through the lens of empathy.
Boundaries: Setting boundaries is making clear what’s okay and what’s not okay, and why.
Reliability: You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.
Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
Vault: You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.
Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort; choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and practicing your values, not just professing them.
Nonjudgment: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.
Generosity: Extending the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
When you combine genuine care with intentional action, you build trust. And trust, more than anything, is what keeps people engaged and committed.
7 Ways to Lead with Empathy (Without Burning Out)
You don’t need to overthink how to practice empathy. Instead, be intentional about what you do. Here’s a list, inspired by the LeadershipFreak article “Stop Caring? Do This Instead,” with how I see this idea connecting to these discussions on empathy:
Ask questions before offering advice. Curiosity builds connection. Start there.
Stay present in conversations. Distraction is a form of disrespect.
Recognize the effort, not just the result. People want to be seen for more than output.
Leave space for silence. Not every moment needs a solution.
Adjust your pace when someone needs it. Slowing down can build more momentum later. Meet them where they are. Where they need you.
Stay steady in your reactions. Emotional consistency helps others feel safe.
Follow up after the moment passes. Empathy doesn’t end when the meeting does.
These aren’t complicated practices. But they do take practice. They will make a difference. Empathy, caring, being attuned to your team, and admiring what each person is going through and doing combined make a powerful connecting force that will lead to great things.
Empathy is the standard
Empathy is more than a feeling or an HR poster these days. It is an expectation; one that takes discipline and practice. Empathy is not reserved for the dramatic or emotional moments. It belongs in the daily flow of leading others. You can lead with empathy without losing control of the situation or anyone’s emotions, including your own. There is always balance. Empathy for yourself is as important as it is for others. You do not have to carry the burden for those around you. Share in the experience instead of absorbing it all. Empathy in action is practiced through the questions we ask, the listening we do, and the quality of attention we give in elevating people and performance. This is now the standard.
How will you update your approach to empathy with your team?
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[^1]: Harvard Business Review article Empathy Is a Non-Negotiable Leadership Skill
https://hbr.org/2025/04/empathy-is-a-non-negotiable-leadership-skill-heres-how-to-practice-it