The Importance of Asking For and Taking Help

"No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself or get all the credit for doing it." — Andrew Carnegie

I remember the story below from an episode of The West Wing. The story originates from long ago and has been told in many forms. It’s most common use is in recovery courses, when learning to ask for help is at it most critical point for many people. But the need for assistance is a constant in every person’s life, especially leaders. No one should have to go it alone. This is a powerful reminder.

This guy’s walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, “Hey you, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”

Asking for help is difficult in any situation, for the majority of people. The request for help can often imply a certain level of helplessness and failure, two things most people instinctively try to avoid. There is a tremendous amount of pride and ego involved as well. Swallowing that pride can be a challenge for leaders, as we know that people are looking to us for the answers. But, help doesn’t have to be any of those things. And actually, as leaders we play a vital role in moving past the stigma of asking for, and taking assistance. We cannot possibly know all the things. You cannot move mountains without others pitching in. Why then is it so tough for people to ask for and then accept the help that is many times the difference between real success and the real failure?

Leadership is connection

A core piece of leadership is about connections with people. The people they lead, the people they support, outside resources, networks to other expertise. That is what leadership really is. When done well, it allows everyone to leverage that knowledge and experience seamlessly. When leaders build trust through those connections, it becomes a multiplier for everyone that leader is connected with. But without connections, asking for or even finding help becomes more challenging.

In our current world, and with all the talk about AI and the new Large Language Model (LLMs) and generative AI, we get frustrated with the hallucinations we can get back from the computers. Experts warn us to check the AI’s work. Even the AI companies themselves will tell you the information can sometimes be inaccurate and to check the information. So then why do we assume people would have all the answers immediately?

Imagine this, and this is an example of powerful leadership in that context. Someone asks a question, the leaders states, “that’s a great question. I am not sure of the answer, let me check for you.” Does anyone question their ability? No. They appreciate the honest response and the answer to come soon. (Key point here, follow through and get the right answer.) Now consider, that leader, not wanting to look dumb in front of the group, ‘hallucinates’ and answers and tells the group something that is not fully (or evenly remotely) accurate. The team finds out later, and now who do they trust more? The leader who paused, recognized they needed help with an answer and got it? Or, the leader who made up an answer, looking smart in the moment, but provided false or incomplete information immediately? The answer is obvious. It even seems silly when we realize we’ve dealt with ‘hallucinations’ for decades from leaders who were afraid to ask for help.

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." — Brené Brown

We help others

In an article by Peter Bergman, The Best Leaders Aren’t Afraid to Ask For Help, he shares his feelings as a leader used to helping others and not seeking help themselves. Yet, even in our quest to help others, we must seek help to provide the information they need. Whether we read a book, an article, or listen to a podcast, those are all forms of help from others. They may not be as personable or direct as talking to a specific person, but they are forms of assistance that as leaders we usually encourage and participate in regularly. Why then do we fear the more direct approach of speaking to someone and asking them questions to further our knowledge and understanding of situations?

"Anytime you see a turtle on top of a fence post, you know he had some help." — Alex Haley

There is someone that I have worked with for years. One of her most impressive qualities is her absolute willingness to ask any question and acknowledge that she doesn’t know. She will ask anyone, at any level, any question when she doesn’t understand. It is impressive. And guess what? No one thinks less of her or sees it as a weakness. Most may not recognize it as anything more than a question in the moment, but it is a super-power for her. People she works with appreciate her getting answers. And others around her in those moments benefit from her asking the question many others were unwilling to ask. When done well, asking for and taking the help only strengthens us and those we serve.

I love this quote from Adam Grant from his TEDTalk, “Are You a Giver or a Taker”:

“If we can weed takers out of organizations, if we can make it safe to ask for help, if we can protect givers from burnout and make it OK for them to be ambitious in pursuing their own goals as well as trying to help other people, we can actually change the way that people define success. Instead of saying it’s all about winning a competition, people will realize success is really more about contribution.”

Success is defined by outcomes. Outcomes are driven by behaviors. People who work together have historically been considered the most successful. Humankind has thrived by working together. Leadership is about creating togetherness, working towards a common vision. Everyone wants to get better and be successful. Asking for, and accepting help is one of the most surefire ways to get there. We must see beyond old thinking where asking for help is seen as a weakness, and instead embrace it as the multiplier that it is.

How have you seen asking for help work to yours or others benefit?

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