The Fine Line: What Confidence Is (And What It Isn’t)
True confidence allows for deep listening.
In the first part of this series, we established that confidence is the courage to act amidst uncertainty. However, when we talk about "confident leaders," a specific, and often negative, image can sometimes come to mind: the loud, attention-seeking individual who dominates the room and refuses to listen.
This is not confidence. This is arrogance or just plain rudeness. People who seek that attention are likely looking to support their ego more than the team. And for a retail leader, the distinction between the two is the difference between a team that runs through walls for you and a team that runs for the exits.
Defining the Distinction
Confidence is being comfortable with who you are as a leader and believing in your ideas and approach. It is a realistic, secure sense of self-assurance. It is the balance you bring to your ego, a balance of humility, willingness to learn, but being a person of action as well.
Arrogance, on the other hand, is often insecurity masking as strength. It is an inflated sense of self-worth that requires the leader to be the expert on every topic. The person seeking to be seen as the “smartest in the room” or the “idea person” rarely will get to make a lasting impression on the business, because others won’t follow their lead. At some point everyone gets tired of being “one upped” or out talked.
The differences manifest clearly in daily operations:
Response to Feedback: True confidence embraces the possibility of errors. A confident leader seeks out better ideas versus trying to snuff them out. Arrogant leaders view feedback as a threat to their status and often react with defensiveness or contempt.
Success Attribution: Humble, confident leaders say, "We were successful." Ego-driven leaders say, "I own this; this success is mine."
Vulnerability: Confidence is knowing you are capable, which allows you to admit when you are wrong. Arrogance refuses to acknowledge weakness, which destroys organizational agility because you cannot fix what you refuse to admit is broken.
The "Humble" Factor
Some mistake humility for a lack of confidence, or worse, weakness. But you cannot be truly humble without being confident. If you are not confident, "humility" is just low self-esteem or insecurity.
Think of the most effective store managers you know. They are likely stable and reliable. They don’t need to dominate every conversation. This is "humble confidence." Humble managers are better positioned as decision-makers because they are self-aware; they know their strengths and weaknesses, and they are willing to not only accept help, but ask for it when needed.
Research supports this. Studies have found that while narcissistic or arrogant leaders might emerge in the short term, humble leaders wield significant influence in the long term by building human capital and mentoring others. In a retail environment, where the frontline experience is everything, a leader who is threatened by the talent of their associates is a liability. A confident leader wants others to be successful and expects them to share ideas as willingly as themselves.
Often, arrogance comes from overcompensation – when leaders who don’t feel totally in control of a situation look to mask this with supposedly confident behaviors.
Humility is not a lack of strength: it is the highest form of self-assurance.
The Science of Arrogance
Interestingly, neuroscience gives us a clue as to why arrogance and confidence look different. It comes down to stress.
Arrogance is often a "stress response." When a leader feels threatened (high cortisol) but wants to assert dominance (high testosterone), the result can be aggression or hostility. We will dive deeper into the hormones of leadership in the next article, but it is important to note here that arrogance is usually a sign that a leader is internally "freaking out." They are trying to protect their ego because they lack the deep, quiet knowledge that they can handle the situation. This can be especially true when a normally calm leader changes behavior and reacts in an unusual way. That is is sign they are stressed beyond their normal limits and biology is starting to take over.
Warning Signs of the "Arrogant Shift"
Even good leaders can drift toward arrogance under pressure. Retail has real pressure points that are recognizable to many. It might be a quarter-end push for sales or tightening expense management. A turnaround situation for a store, district, region or the company as a whole can make it easy to fall into the trap of "faking it till we make it." That adds layers of stress both from needing the results and worrying someone finds out you may not know all the exact steps to take for the situation.
Watch for these signs in your own leadership:
Dismissing Perspectives: Are you believing your opinion is the "right" one without listening to the team to make a fast decision?
Hoarding Information: Are you keeping knowledge to yourself because you fear someone else may know more than you?
Blame Shifting: Arrogant leaders blame others when the organization fails, whereas humble leaders look at their own role first.
Remaining self-aware, or having a good accountability partner can keep you from falling into the ego trap and missing the opportunity to find better resolutions that come from the team as a whole.
The Choice
We all have a choice in how we show up. You can be the steady hand that others look to for support and comfort, or something they often fear or hesitate to approach because they’re not sure what they’ll get. Bringing a confident, yet balanced perspective allows you to stay engaged and connected to your team. Confidence allows you to say, "I’m not sure, but I will find out." It allows you to say, "That’s a better idea than mine; let’s do that."
This year, aim for the quiet inner knowledge that you are capable. That is the kind of confidence that builds trust, and trust is the currency of leadership.
In the next part of our look at confidence, we’ll explore more of the science behind it, and what confidence looks like when you show up the right way.
How do you ensure you are balancing your confidence and showing up with humility and openness?
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